The Replayed Files
by zeroseconds
Summary: Take out your popcorn! The Instant GH badfic.
1. Chapter 1: Been there and done that

_**The REPLAYED Files**_

_An on purpose badly written compilation _

_of generic, cliché fanfiction plots and canon mistakes_

_in the Ghost Hunt fandom._

_By yours truly._

* * *

_Chapter 1: In this case I've been there and done that._

Mai was late again, and Naru stared at his teacup. She should have come about 6 hours ago!! It was freaking 3'o clock in the afternoon. What about the files that needed to be sorted, and what about the tea that needed to be drunk! All of sudden he heard the door of the office crack open (nobody bothered oiling the hinges) and he rose to his feet to open the door of his private office.

"You're late," he commented disdainfully, staring down at her as if she was a rat who escaped from a cage.

Mai cheerfully appeared in front of him.

"Good morning Naru. Sorry, I overslept!"

Naru and company raised an eyebrow.

They got over their morning or afternoon surprise (it depends on how you look at it), and resumed to doing their work. Both Lin and Naru were stuck in their respective offices, Yasuhara was somewhere scheming something and Mai was fetching them some tea every half an hour or so, before turning into the office's decoration plant again.

Mai gave Lin his cup of tea. Lin said nothing much as usually (he was just there). Their conversations were so short you can't even hear them talking.

Mai went to Naru's office and placed it right in front of him on top of a staple of papers. His eyes were of the most brilliant sparkling blue and his face's complexion was like a glow in the dark, and she was inclined to think he was a zombie. His face was so hidden you couldn't even see him working.

"Your tea Naru, now say 'Thank you!!'"

Naru glared, rose to his feet and opened the door for her.

"'Why thank you Mai!'. No, 'why thank you for opening the door?!'" Mai screeched and kicked his shin before leaving.

Naru closed the door.

"Ouch."

He bent down to rub his shin.

* * *

Mai knocked on Naru's door before opening it slightly.

"Naru, there are two foreigners in the waiting room. They think I'm your girlfriend," she rolled her eyes.

Naru sighed. That's nothing new. He entered the waiting room and saw two familiar faces sitting on the couches.

"NOLL!!" They screamed, "Who's this girl, she's really cute!!"

Naru stared at Mai for a long moment, contemplating what to say. The girl turned bright red, and he knew that if he stared any longer she would faint to the floor, so he turned back to his parental units and declared, "she pales in comparison to my handsomeness."

"NARU!! How dare you insulting me in front of strangers?!" Mai threw a fit and stomped on the floor like a little kid.

Lin, who suddenly appeared on one of the couches, raised an eyebrow. '_Didn't she meet them after they fished a certain decomposed body out of a lake? Wait. Who cares.'_ Then he went back playing video games on his computer.

"I think she would be worthy of Naru's hand," Yasuhara whispered in their ears with a sly voice.

"Good idea! Why don't you take this really interesting case in London. You, your girlfriend and everyone who works here can come along," his mother smiled.

"No father, mother. You can't convince me," Naru said and then bombarded them with questions. "Why in the world would I travel _all the way_ to the UK? Don't you have any other ghost hunters to take care of things like that? What about the expenses?"

His father narrowed his eyes as if to release a cannonball of valid reasons.

"Madoka said so."

Naru was impressed enough by the argument to accept the case.

"We're leaving tomorrow."

* * *

It rained. Yes, the whole investigation group arrived at the suspicious and classic ghost breeding ground in London. For unknown reasons the ghosts pulled pranks on the young people who entered the somber and distant abandoned villa. Especially young girls around Mai and Masako's age. Masako immediately fainted down the stairs from seeing so many ghosts and thus was immune to being targeted. John went with her to a hospital.

Fortunately for her she never saw how Naru got possessed by a random ghost. Lin had to raise an eyebrow for the boy doesn't get possessed so easily. The young man made out with Mai who thought it was Naru being himself. Then when Naru released her he went to Ayako to do the same, but Bou-san and Lin-san used some karate moves to prevent him from doing so.

Mai felt so hurt by his stunts, that she slapped her boss and ran away from the scene.

All of sudden, she stumbled upon a graveyard and went to sit in front of one of the graves. It was the grave of... dun dun dun... EUGENE DAVIS!! And it had a picture of him too, he was gesturing a V sign (✌) and smiling, which had Mai surprised so much that she screamed and fainted from the shock.

vvv✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌vvv

From faraway they heard a girl scream, while everyone ate their exclusive dinner in the abandoned building by a famous chef. Where that chef came from, they had no idea.

"Isn't that Mai?" Ayako absentmindedly asked.

Naru shrugged.

"You cold hearted bastard! Why don't you hurry up and save her!" Bou-san yelled, kicking him in the side.

"I would if you released me from these handcuffs," he rolled his eyes, before trying to eat the yummy steak on his plate.

Lin had to raise an eyebrow from shock. _'But but but- I thought he was a fellow vegetarian! The traitor!'_ He shook a fist.

Ayako looked suspiciously at the monk.

"Where did you get those things anyway?"

"Oh I got them from the young man over there," he said referring to Yasuhara.

"Kinky!" She said, winking an eye, but then noticed Naru had escaped from the room one way or another. "Naru!!"

"How did he-?!" Yasuhara exclaimed, picking up the set of handcuffs.

"Awesome-fied! Naru hodo! Naru-houdini!"

At the end of the day, Lin started to gather foam around the corner of his mouth, while playing against the final boss of the video game.


	2. Chapter 2: Our Romantic Inconsistency

**Recap:** _Mai being late, tea, Mai describing Naru's looks, Mai getting angry because of Naru's behavior, guests mistaking Mai for Naru's girlfriend, Mai apparently meeting the Davises for the first time, Davises are convinced Mai is the perfect bride, Naru accepts a case in England for no valid reason, cases with teenage girls including Mai being targeted, author gets rid of Masako and John and pairs them together, either Mai and/or Naru get possessed and kiss each other, Mai discovers about ZOMGSPOILERCHARACTER and/or finds his grave, Naru being a cold hearted bastard, Naru eating meat, Ayako/Bou-san/Yasuhara flirting/hidden relationship, nonsensical Lin introspective side commentary in between all of these._

**Author's note:** That was how I planned this first chapter. Yes, really.

Anyway, I split the second chapter, because this was in the drafts for a very long time. The segment you will read next is the start of rehashing of the typical Naru/Mai multi-chaptered romance fanfic. The tragic love story between the main characters generally goes like this:

"_**Mai gets into trouble, Naru saves her, NaruMai happens, happy end!" **_Or: **_"Mai gets together with someone else, Naru becomes jealous, insert drama here, NaruMai happens, happy end!"_**

Oops, I just spoiled all your fics :(

* * *

_Chapter 2: Our Romantic Inconsistency_

Then Naru could feel his 'MAI IS IN DANGER' senses tingling and then pulled a Houdini trick out of his hat and sneaked away. He ran and ran dramatically, searching for his future love (?), until he stumbled upon a graveyard. When he saw Mai lying there on the ground tears from the heaven fell down the sky; in other words, rain.

Naru tried to pick her up, but failed, collapsing to the ground along with Mai, who had been unceremoniously dropped in the mud. Then he remembered how earlier that day he was kicked in the shin by Mai, had been manhandled by Lin and Bou-san, then slapped by Mai, and on top of that kicked in the side by Bou-san, therefore he couldn't carry Mai up à la bridal style anyway (plus he needed a sandwich). _'His power level was too weak,'_ Lin would conclude, but the Chinese man was still playing against the final boss so he naturally wasn't there.

Naru suddenly widened his eyes.

_'Wait I forgot to say something __**very important**__ in the previous chapter!' _

He cleared his throat.

"Mai, tea!" he barked the magic words.

"Huh?! Huh? Wha-" She woke up as result of a reflex. Naru smirked. _'Just as planned!'_

"I said-"

"But but but it's so dark out there, and the kitchen is so far away!!" Mai whined vigorously, pointing at the villa, which was very far away indeed. No one could hear them from such a great distance. It was a great mystery how they could have heard Mai screaming from all the way out here. Did she carry around loudspeakers in her pocket? Who knows.

"That is not a problem, go walk there," he smugly told her, so smug you could hear pineapples fall from the tree.

"Then go with me."

"I never told you I was planning on staying here."

"That's it! I'm leaving the SPR! Goodbye Naru!"

Naru had to raise an eyebrow. "...why are you going to leave?" He had saved her from danger (even though he didn't know what kind of danger; his senses were just tingling) and the impending cold.

"Because you ruined my beautiful white shirt! Did you know how much this cost? A whole month of salary pay! Goodbye Naru!"

"..."

"Goodbye Naru!"

Naru thought he was hearing an echo, then he randomly kicked the tombstone out of sheer frustration. Damn it, now he had to look for another assistant! Annoyed he moved over to the next grave to release his frustrations once again.

Suffice to say, Gene was not happy with this development and his picture magically turned into him glaring and doing a thumbs down.

Mai ran, raaaaaaaan and tripped. Somehow she ended up getting back in Tokyo again (how she came there is a mystery) and quit working at the SPR, because in the end, it was all Naru's **fault**.

When Naru returned to the haunted mansion, he found Lin typing away (after he had minimized the window and wept his mouth – interrupting the endless fight against the final boss much to the man's dismay) and sighed. Naru shook his head and went to the bathroom to slit his wrists, I mean, to weep emotionally in a corner of his bed room over the loss of his tea automat, err, part-time worker thingy.

Unfortunately he discovered the other trio randomly gang banging in his room. A short story long, Naru dragged them and Lin back into the first airplane back to Japan.

**THE END?**

ps. Yes, he forgot about Masako and John.

...

uhh...case? What case?


	3. Chapter 3: The mushyroomg ‘oeth

**Recap:** Mai is in danger. Naru saving Mai. Mai is upset and is leaving SPR; Naru's fault. Naru getting flack because he never realized Mai's feelings. Naru running after her. Somewhere down the road the original case is 'forgotten' and they are back in Tokyo.

**Author's note:** LOL! Last time I updated was in September 2008. I'm terribly sorry, I haven't been writing much about Ghost Hunt. Anyway, this is the not so typical _"Naru gets jealous when Mai dates someone else"_ fic I suggested in the previous chapter.

_Chapter 3: The mush-y-roomg 'oeth_

"Where's my tea?" the young man mumbled for it had been a week since his relationship with the girl had crumbled, and the tea pot had been left untouched and forgotten on his desk. Without Mai giving him a call, no less. In his mind he saw a young tree in the center of his office rooted in a pot of one foot wide. Towards the mysterious object Naru took a stride, and stared at the bottom of the pot, seeing the one and another rot. For there were thick shadows blooming down. No! Naru's wit helped him realize what was on the fertile ground. A mushroom colony under there had his interests fueled and his curiosity got the better of him, because the odd smell under his nose soon ruled. An intoxicating odor had made him forget momentarily about his precious tea. With a bouquet of mushrooms in one hand and in the other holding the teapot, filled with hot water wherever that came from, he launched himself into the comfort of his seat. Naru enjoyed the new smell in his office and had a satisfied smile that one could read.

What had sent Naru to do these actions was result of Mai dating other people to make him jealous. Jealous he was, but alas, he would not show it; his ego was too grand to let it fall head over heels for a girl of that stupidity. In the greenery of his office he would remain in infinity, instead of outside fighting that girl's war.

Unfortunately she could date neither Bou-san nor Yasuhara, because they were already in _that_ kind of relationship with Ayako. Secondly, John was abandoned together with Masako into a mysterious British hospital of which no one knew the name. Lastly it was common knowledge that Lin was unavailable; after all, the Chinese man was married to his dearest computer. No one would _dare_ to intrude such an intimate relationship. Not even Mai would.

Naru was in his office, trying to concentrate on his work as usual, when all of sudden he heard suggestive noises through the gap in the doorway. He sighed and went to open the door to grace the main office chamber with his now fuzzy blue eyes.

"I thought you left," he drawled for the umpteenth time, staring at the couple as if they were small fries.

"Hey Naru-chan, well, you see I broke up again," Mai smiled at him with her newest boyfriend who stood stiffly next to her. He was some wimpy-looking guy with glasses and whose limbs looked kind of noodle-y (and something about him screamed CLAMP, although he had no idea what a CLAMP meant or was). Anyway, this guy didn't seem to have much class.

"Is it me or does it smell funny in here?" Mai pondered with her finger under her chin. He twitched the edge of his mouth and then closed the door, before bemoaning the loss of his tea automat and then searching for something to spend his time with in vengeance and sin.

He grinned.

"Voodoo dolls are the best way to make sure someone horribly dies."

Elsewhere in the office Lin raised an eyebrow, "Isn't that my area of expertise?"

Eventually Mai left, and in place of her presence were the annoying irregulars who decorated the office as if it were a bar. With the monk dressed as a bartender a future for the SPR as a hospitality establishment, didn't seem far. Of course the additions of his boyfriend and girlfriend, Yasuhara and Ayako respectively, were welcome to Takigawa, but highly unwelcome for the young boss who had shuffled back into the main office with mushrooms growing on his back.

"Oh, ew, what the heck?!" Ayako said not amused, holding a tissue to cover her wrinkling nose. The smell had rapidly invaded the newly proclaimed bar.

"Hey Naru-chan, why not have a drink?" Yasuhara chirped without a care.

"Oi, Naru-bou, try to take more care about your appearance okay? You look awful!" Takigawa snarled as he observed the boy from head to toe.

"With that literally rotten personality of yours, that's why you will always remain single!" Ayako teased, and then gossiped to the other boy, "So I heard that Mai is on her fifth boyfriend of this week, that's so low."

Naru coldly answered, "I don't need you unwelcome advice and don't keep me on a line, because I'm absolutely –," he staggered back, "fine."

The young boss returned to the greenery and the color of his room, where no one would hinder his woe. _Mai on her fifth boyfriend of the week?_ That thought sent Naru almost down on his knees. He craved the scent of the mushroom and inserted his head into the bush underneath his desk. It's where he felt at best, rather than the world above, but he started to think about the strange feelings he was having. Is that what they call love?

He teared up and started the growth beneath him, seeds coming to life rapidly and colors flying all around him. The foam in the corners of his mouth had him contemplate his life in a whim.

"Ahhh! Mai, I need you!" he freaked with a flowers growing on his head in a crown, as he found his purpose of life on the dark road.

Suddenly he woke up on the mirror under his head and heard outside his room the sounds of the monk and the miko chanting.

"I think they're trying to exorcise you out, after the fuss you've been making in your dreams," Gene said, chuckling, having made his revenge after having had his tombstone kicked unwillingly a chapter ago it seemed. Naru coughed and then smashed the mirror the ground. If only their parents had separated them as sons!

Instantly he walked over and opened the door plastered with charms, then seeing the crew sitting on the floor.

"Not a chance, you simpletons!" Naru yelled as he threw the forgotten teapot in his hand, into their general direction, hitting Mai's face accidentally, and then realizing he was about to start another war.

Elsewhere on the globe Hara Masako filled out a complaint form for being left behind by the president of the SPR.

**The end.**


End file.
